August 29th 2006 @ 11:44 am All Categories,News
Pluto and Moons

For those of you that haven’t heard, a group of scientists last week have voted Pluto off this island of planets we call our Solar System and demoted it to what is known as a dwarf planet.

For many of us, Pluto has been in our science books, in our culture, even in our cartoons.

(Fact! Sources seem to THINK that Pluto, Mickey Mouse’s dog, may have been named after the distant planet, er, non-planet, whatever… Another Fact, since that previous fact is a fact, it’s entirely POSSIBLE that Mickey’s dog could have been named after Uranus [Pronounced “your anus”, I don’t care what anyone else says.] …and Mickey saying, “Come here Uranus!” would have been responsible for leaving millions of children snickering for the last fifty years. Hey at least one of those Mickey Mouse cartoons would have finally delivered a laugh! Right?

Another fact. Pluto the dog was sometimes Goofy’s pet dog while Goofy himself was a dog, which means that a dog had a dog as a pet, which is totally weird!)

Since Pluto’s demotion, there’s been an outcry in the public forum from people who hold Pluto dear to their hearts, they love humble little Pluto as their ninth planet, and see no reason to change it.

What do I think Pluto’s demotion? Well, to dear Pluto, I say, “Good riddance! For too many years you’ve ridden on the coattails of all of the other REAL planets, trailing along on the outside trying to keep up at your own pathetic pace. I mean, it takes you an astonishing 248.09 Julian years to go around the sun. While everyone else is all finished with their own orbit (Neptune, your nearest neighbor, finishes it’s orbit in 164.88 Julian years), your still playing catch-up and coming in dead last! Talk about weak! And we’ve also had to tolerate you and your rebellious personality too, The way you keep that eccentric orbit around the Sun, while all of the other planets step in line and elegantly keep the same orbit as each other, YOU feel a need to have some bizarre, out of whack, orbit that makes you stand out in the crowd. I mean, you EVEN have the balls and the unmitigated audacity to orbit closer to the Sun than Neptune when you near your perihelion… That’s bullshit… If you want to be the ninth planet, you have to STAY the ninth planet (even though your not a planet). You can’t cut in on the inside of the eighth planet, and and take the inside track! That screws everything up as to what order all of the planets are! Plus cutting in on a neighboring planet, in this and any other galaxy, is just plain RUDE! Oh yeah, and BIG DEAL, you’ve got a moon, just like most all of the other planets, in fact you have three moons, that’s two more than the most awesomest planet of all, Earth! But, who cares, your so small that your not even the center of gravity for your largest moon, Charon. You both revolve around a shared center of gravity putting both or your barycenters out in the middle of the space between you two… So even though you may THINK your a planet with Charon being your moon, your actually nothing but a stupid binary system with Charon. HAH! Talk about lame!!!

And your atmosphere, what about that! It’s all mainly Nitrogen, Methane, and Carbon Monoxide… You know what those three gases remind me of? Yeah, the stink that comes out of my cars exhaust pipe and farts. Yeah, real nice, Pluto…

Oh yeah, and while you float around out there thinking your so cool, guess what? Our Earth’s moon is bigger than you, I mean, your only about 1/3 to 1/2 the size of our moon, and you have the impudent boldness to try and call yourself a planet… Puh-leeze!

The only thing I have to add is that it’s a shame that our astonomers took so long to figure out what I knew all along, that you’re just a stupid dwarf, piece-of-crap, planet our there on the fringes of our solar system. They’re sloppiness and laziness resulted in you being added to a plaque that is now riding along with the Voyager space probe out in the galaxy somewhere supposedly showing a map of our solar system which included our Sun and all of it’s planets, wrongly including YOU… So now, if any aliens out there find Voyager, they’re going to look at that map of our solar system and say, ‘Hey! This almost looks like that one star system out on that one outer spur of the galaxy, That must mean there’s life there! Oh! But wait, this map shows NINE planets, and that system only has eight planets and some dwarf planets… Oh well, whoever sent this spacecraft must be located somewhere else. Let’s keep looking over on the this side of the galaxy!’ And now those aliens are going to be looking for us on the wrong side of the galaxy and never find us. Thanks a lot Pluto!

So good riddance to you, Pluto. Have fun hanging out with all of your other rebellious dwarf buddies, 2003 UB313, 2003 EL61, and 2005 FY9 to name a few… Hey I know, since your not an official planet anymore, maybe we ought to rename YOU so that you so you won’t feel so out of place around all those other lame trans-Neptunian objects who aren’t cool enough to get a REAL name, since you were discovered in 1930, how about, 1930 SUX.”

Get Lost Pluto!


rss 3 comments
  1. Rick
    August 29th, 2006 | 12:18 pm

    I wish I had the free time you have Sean.

  2. tim
    August 29th, 2006 | 10:28 pm

    One reason given for plutos demotion is that its orbit intersects with neptune. A planet must have its own orbit. Yet neptune gets to keep its job as a planet. Science is stupid.

  3. August 30th, 2006 | 9:29 am

    Tim, good point! Is Pluto cutting on the inside of Neptune, or is Neptune cutting on the outside of Pluto? After all, it is all relative out there! (Pluto still has a fucked up orbit though, so I’m still for it being banished.)

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