Farewell Bill and Ted
February 10th 2006 @ 4:20 pm All Categories

While visiting with my nieces and nephews last night, I found the eulogy that my nephew, Vitali, wrote for his pet hermit/tree crabs who recently died sitting on the kitchen table.

For Christmas, Santa brought him some pet hermit/tree crabs. It was a hermit crab terrarium kit with a note that the crabs would arrive later in the mail. Sure enough, a week later a box arrived with two living hermit crabs. (I’m now wondering if I can mail myself to Florida to visit my dad. It’d be a lot cheaper, and the cramped box wouldn’t be much different than riding coach, except for the fact that I wouldn’t have to deal with the fat person, who inevitably ends up next to me, hogging the armrest for the entire trip.)

So, Vitali received his hermit crabs, and decided to name him after the main characters of a movie I’d recently shown them, Bill and Ted, from ‘Bill and Ted’s Excellent Adventure’.

Bill and Ted, the tree crabs, where a pretty exciting addition to the family. Mike, Vitali’s dad, and I had fun reading the hermit crab user’s guide that came with the crabs. (Did you know that one tree crab will attack and fight another tree crab in order to take his shell? He’ll actually grab the other crab, beat him up, rip him out of his shell, and move in saying, “Fuck you pal, this is my shell now!” It’s true. Mike dubbed this “SHELL-JACKING!”)

Sadly with Vitali’s busy life of video games, and television, Bill, followed by Ted, died before we could videotape and document a shell-jacking episode.

Vitali as well as the rest of the family were crushed, and so my sister, Sher, decided a funeral was in order to help heal the wounds and provide closure to the whole affair.

For the funeral, she suggested Vitali write a eulogy to pay honor to the heroic, US mail traveling hermit/tree crabs. Below is the Vitali’s heartfelt and poetic eulogy to Bill and Ted, two special tree crabs…

Vitalis Eulogy

While Vitali was writing his eulogy, Karina, his younger sister, got excited about it and was trying to help him write it, but, Vitali, of course, didn’t want any help, so she then decided to go off and write her own eulogy. Here is hers:

Karinas Eulogy

Goodbye Bill and Ted… The best tree crabs… ever.


rss 1 comment
  1. Rick
    March 17th, 2006 | 6:13 pm

    I guess it’s a good thing Greg didn’t come over while they were still alive, eh?

comment on this article

Enter characters from the image: