I Hate Shopping!
March 10th 2005 @ 12:10 pm All Categories

Well, I’m over my two consecutive three week colds, my phlegm had dried up and my stools are now solid again and so yesterday to celebrate and reward myself. I went shopping so that I could get some clothes which would make me look cool, make me feel like a knew person and make chicks dig me. Since it’s been awhile since I went shopping, and I really don’t know where to go to get cool clothes, so I just went to Valley Fair because that way I figured I’d have a variety of different stores to go through until I found something I liked. Now, I know it’s been awhile since I went shopping for clothes, and I know that there are seasons for fashions and all, but I never knew that there was an actual gay season for all men’s departments… Every store I went to had the same gay clothes… Striped button shirts with a wide variety of either Baby Blue, Yellow, and Pink stripes, or Yellow, Pink, and Fuschia stripes, or Yellow, Fushchia, and Baby Blue stripes, or Pink, Fuschia and Yellow stripes. Every shirt was designed like this in every stupid department… Structure was the first store I passed, I remember buying some cool stylin’ stuff here a long time ago, but now it was completely different, the store seems to just be catering to the gay executive. Every shirt was a striped, pastel nightmare, and every store I went to after that had the same pastel choke-fest going on! The Guess store should change they’re name to “I Am” because, if you wear they’re clothes, no one will need to guess if your gay, you’ll be telling them straight up. The Gap needs to drop the ‘p’ and replace it with a ‘y’,….. Yellow and Pink Polo shirts!!! Jesus Christ!!! Didn’t we learn anything from the ’80s!! I know, I know, The Gap uses slave labor and I’m not supposed to be shopping there, well, you know, I need to get laid, which means I need some cool clothes. If I could get laid wearing greasy jeans and and a torn “Jesse Jackson in 88″ T-shirt found at a thrift store, then I’d be boycotting The Gap too… But until that happens, I’m in full support of slave labor for making cheap, cool clothes that might possibly attract a woman to me and result in sex. So, ladies, the slave labor issue is in your court, if you don’t want me shopping at The Gap, or any other unethical stores… Then you know what you need to do.

Now, don’t get me wrong, I love gay people, they’re way fun and cool people, but the problem is that I’m not gay… I need to attract a woman, and I’m gettin’ on in years and wasn’t born with much to work with, so, like us all, I need to go out and buy some cool accessories to help disguise the fact that I’m just me… And unlike women, who were brilliant enough to come up with the idea of hiding they’re ugly faces with make-up and taking that option away from men, I now only have the option of clothes to trick women into thinking I’m cool. So, I NEED to score some cool clothes. Macy’s was a joke, they have they’re men’s department sub-divided into different designer sections. Calvin Klein, Tommy, DKNY, Sean John, Blah, Blah, Blah… The irony is, if you took down the designer signs you wouldn’t know where one section ended and the other begins (except for the Tommy Bahama section which is all flower printed tropical flavored clothes, shit my Dad would wear. Gag!)… All the crap looks the same….gay. And just in case you don’t immediately notice that it’s gay, they help you out by playing gay club music over the sound system. When I look at this crap I imagine each of these out of touch designers somewhere in the tropics spending the $43.00 profits from they’re $45.00 dollar T-shirts, laying by a pool sipping Mai Tais and on a phone call with they’re assistants…

Assistant: We need to start getting the spring line on the shelves, any idea what you want to do?

Designer: What’s everyone else doing.

Assistant: Some sort of gay pastel striped shirt thing…

Designer: Are they selling?

Assistant: Yeah, all the designers are just copying each other and making the same thing, so the consumer doesn’t have any choice but to buy them.

Designer: Okay, let’s do that pastel striped thing you’re talking about then, fire up the factory in China and forward my checks to the Marriott in Honolulu, I’m decided to extend my vacation for another four months.


If anyone knows of a cool heterosexual man store where a guy can get some cool guy clothes, please let me know, I’m serious… And Matt, I’m not talking about a stupid NASCAR or idiotic “No Fear!” T-shirt from WalMart. The only place those clothes will look good is if I end up with a guest spot on Cops.


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