Awesome Movie Reviews: Resident Evil: Apocalypse
January 11th 2005 @ 10:53 am All Categories,Movie Reviews

I was somewhat disappointed with the first Resident Evil… It’s okay, but could have been cooler. I’d heard people say that Apocalypse sucked, but my roommate had gotten it through his mail order Blockbuster account, so I thought WTF… It’s here, it’s free, I’ll watch it. Now, I’ve noticed in the past that how good a movie is depends on my expectations… If I think a movie is going to be great, but then it only ends up being good, then that means I’ll think it sucked. And vice-versa, if I’m expecting a movie to totally suck ass, and it ends up just being just crappy, then that means I’ll think that it’s good… For example, the movie “Cliffhanger” with Sly Stallone, I was expecting it to be the worst movie ever, but it wasn’t, it was only lame, but because it exceeded my expectations of being less than lame, it’s now one of my favorite, most awesome movies ever! I know it’s difficult to understand… It all has to do with Norman Einstein’s* theory of relativity or something. I don’t get it either.

Aaaanyway… Back to the review… So did Apocalypse suck? Let’s see, the hottie from the first installment was back, although Randy, my roommate, commented during the movie, “She’s hot, she needs implants, but she’s hot.” I’m guessing the producers knew of this because they added in another hot girl with a bigger chest, a brunette girl who was a cop or something because in addition to the heat she was packing underneath her clothes, she was all strapped up with some big ass guns… So I think she was a cop… It went something like this, Zombies are all over the city attacking and eating people, all of a sudden were in a room where the brunette gets suited up in her regulation police and zombie fighting miniskirt, tube top, and boots, and she’s in the process of strapping some guns on her hips, cut to the police station where she kicks in the door and starts killing all the Zombies that the other dopey cops are doing a shitty job of handling, she says, “Ya gotta shoot ’em in the head.” Duh, everybody knows that! I mean, c’mon, by now, who doesn’t know that you have to shoot zombies in the head, jeez. Plus there’s a big mutant Zombie with a huge minigun (not really mini… It’s a huge gattling type gun like the one Schwarzenegger had in T2 http://www.montysminiguns.com/ ). So this huge mutant Zombie is being controlled remotely by the evil leaders of the Umbrella Corporation, and he’s going around and shooting the task force that’s trapped inside the city… Actually, I didn’t really know what the Hell was going with this movie… So, to summarize, Two hot chicks, one with a nice rack, a buttload of Zombies, and one big mutant Zombie with a minigun… Two thumbs up.

-Sean

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