Awesome Movie Reviews: Episode III, The Revenge of the Sith
May 31st 2005 @ 10:19 am All Categories,Movie Reviews

Well, I finally saw Star Wars: Episode III, The Revenge of the Sith.

All I can say is, I ain’t gay or nuthin’, but if Industrial Light and Magic had balls, I’d lick them for a month to show my gratitude. It was fuckin’ awesome!!! I saw it at the Century 22, on the smaller screen with the digital projector… I highly recommend seeing it on this screen because it was incredibly beautiful… And if you’ve already seen it and are going to see it again… See it with the digital projection… I saw Episode II with the digital projector here, and it looked even better this time around… They must’ve upgraded the projector from last time.

Oh yeah, the movie… The movie was awesome too of course… I found myself instinctively trying to hit the rewind button on my invisible Tivo remote because there was so much shit going on. (You Tivo addicts know what I’m talking about. We want to rewind everything.) The movie starts out with some corny jokes and slapstick shit, and you start going, “Uh-oh, this is going to suck.” But then the corniness passes and the movie starts rockin’… There’s also this robot at the beginning, General Grievous, who’s all coughing, which makes you think, “Why the fuck is a robot coughing, that’s stupid!” Later you realize that the robot is just a shell for some alien thing who’s trying to keep himself alive with robotics or something, I think… I don’t know, I could be wrong, maybe it was just a robot that was coughing which was stupid… You’ll have to chat with the nerds on the Star Wars blogs and forums for the answer to that if you really give a shit. I don’t.

Then there’s the love story between Padmé and Anakin Skywalker… That was some shit that was hard to believe… In the movie, when Anakin goes to the dark side and turns into an asshole, she gets all pissed off at him and doesn’t like him anymore, when we all know that in real life chicks are stupid and are into the bad boys. In real life it would have been, “What?! You told all the Jedi’s to fuck off and you’re now hanging out with the evil Dark Lord of the Sith and you’re going to help him turn the galaxy into an authoritarian rule with him in charge and in control of the entire clone army?!?! Ooh, you’re soooo bad!! I’m getting all wet!!! Take me for a ride on your speeder!!!” Ugh, I hate women!!!

Throughout the movie there are also plenty of battles, explosions, and laser and light saber battles. I just sat there in a wondrous catatonic state, mouth hanging open and drooling, just letting all of those explosions, lasers, and other pretty colors dance upon my rods and cones. I was loving it.

There was even a cool moment at the end when Anakin turns into Darth Vader and gets outfitted with the black Darth Vader costume… And he asks the Emperor about Padmé, and the Emperor tells him news he doesn’t want to hear… Darth Vader in his black Darth Vader costume and James Earl Jones voice, clenches his fists and lets out a long and anguished, “NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!”…. It was awesome.

Dudes, this could be a killer date movie too… There was a couple next to me, and whenever the Anakin and Padmé love scenes came on (and by love scenes, I mean the two of them just talking and professing their love for each other and shit, no banging.) when these love scenes came on, I noticed the couple next to me getting all cozy with each other… So, for guys, it’s a win-win movie… With the love stuff, you can get your girl all primed for some making out later on, plus you get to see a bunch of shit blow up and people fight… It’s, like, the perfect movie. (Unfortunately, Randy was my date, and lucky for him, he didn’t try to cozy up to me when the love scenes were going on, or I would’ve had to punch him in the stomach.)

So, even though there were no zombies or naked boobs… go see this movie, one, because it was awesome, and two, because George Lucas needs some more money so he can finish building his vault at the center of the Earth to store all the money he’s going to be making until the end of time with these movies.


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