Awesome Movie Reviews: Brother Bear
November 7th 2005 @ 11:56 am All Categories,Movie Reviews

So, last Friday I was over babysitting my nieces and nephews for a few hours and I got to see Disney’s Brother Bear.

Only Alina and I watched it… Karina had done something wrong before I got there and was in jail in her room… and the Playstation had it’s mind control over the boys on…

So Alina popped in the DVD and we kicked back and we started watching it, I got barked at when I sat on the bed she’d made on the sofa for her Cabbage Patch doll. It was actually just two sofa pillows that were just slightly rearranged to look like a miniature bed, however, they just looked like pillows to me, so I sat on them, and she yelled at me, “You’re sitting on her bed!”, “Hunh?!? Sitting on what!! What’d I do?!?!” and I jumped up, and she fixed the pillows and laid the doll down on the pillows… “Ugh! fine, I’ll sit over here.” and I went and sat on the other side of the sofa.

I finally got comfortable, and the whole Disney intro thing started coming on but then I got distracted when I saw Alina trying to put a diaper on her Cabbage Patch doll… It was really creeping me out… Then she pretty much had it on but was still frustrated and was telling me that it wasn’t working and threw the doll at me and told me to do it… I said, “Uh-uh, no way am I putting a diaper on a doll…” She told me, “Yes, you do it. I can’t do it right.” All the intro stuff on the DVD was finally ending and the movie was starting and I wanted to watch the movie and not deal with this doll thing anymore so I said, “Fine, let me see it… I looked at it, the diaper was all kind of mangled, but the two legs were going through the holes in the bottom of the diaper, which was good enough for me, and the diaper was wrapped around the waist, the tape wasn’t sticking very good, but the diaper was staying on, and so I told her, “I looks fine, you did fine… the tape isn’t sticking very well, but the diapers staying on, I don’t think we’ll have any accidents, now lets watch the movie and I gave the doll back to her… She still wasn’t satisfied though and so she kept fussing with the diaper, I just groaned and started watching the movie.

Brother Bear is set somewhere in Canada or Alaska… it starts with an elder, who’s name is Denahi, of a tribe of Eskimo’s, or Native American’s, or whatever they are, telling a story of him and his brothers, Kenai and Sitka, who end up going out to fish one day… Denahi is the middle brother and Kenai is the youngest brother, and they are both full of fire and are always fighting with each other and the older brother, Sitka, is a bit wiser and always is breaking them up and trying to reason with them… When they return from their fishing trip, Kenai is in charge of tying up the fish so the bears don’t get it, he fucks up and does a shitty job because he’s late for his coming of age ritual where he gets to earn some sort of talisman thing or something… At the ritual, he’s hoping to get the talisman of courage, or something manly and heroic like that, instead he gets the talisman of “love”… Since this is gay, he gets all pissed off. After the ritual, they find that a bear got the fish that he screwed up securing and he starts getting shit from everyone.

Plus from Denahi, his punchy brother, he gets it from both sides, that he screwed up the fish thing, and that he’s also got the gay talisman of “love.” This all gets on his nerves so he goes out to hunt the bear for revenge and prove he’s a heroic and brave man. His brothers try and talk him out of it, but he goes anyway… and the brothers eventually follow to try and stop him… They all meet up with the bear and a big fight with the bear ensues… The fight ends up with the Sitka, the wise brother having to sacrifice himself to save the younger brothers… Which was sad, and kind of got me choked up. Now the Kenai is super pissed off and goes off on another revenge mission, and again, his remaining brother, Denahi, follows. Kenai meets up with the bear and they fight and this time Kenai kills the bear… As the bear dies, magical Northern lights swoop down and engulf Kenai and take him up in the sky, turn him into a bear and drop him back down on the ground… At this moment Denahi comes up over the mountain and sees the bear laying there unconscious and Kenai’s clothes all torn and laying around and he assumes that the bear, which is actually Kenai, killed Kenai… WHAT A TWIST!!! So now Kenai comes to and has to flee since his brother, Denahi, is trying to kill him for revenge.

Kenai finally realizes that he is a bear and that it’s not a dream and he learns that the only way to turn back is to go to where the Northern lights touch the Earth… On the way, he runs into a small cub bear named, Koda, a loudmouth little bear who says that he knows where the northern lights touch the Earth, that it’s right next to the big bear Salmon run where he’s going to, so even though Kenai is now a bear, he still hates bears, but he sucks it up and decides to go with Koda because he doesn’t have much choice. And so they journey on together.

On the journey we meet the two Canadian moose who are played by Rick Moranis and Dave Thomas, the McKenzie brothers for you old schoolers… These guys should have there own movie, they were hilarious, a total beauty, eh. We meet a few other critters and animals along the way too… These two New York Guido rams were hilarious, but with so much going on in the movie, they only got about five minutes of screen time which was too bad.

Along the way, of course, Kenai, the bear ends up bonding with Koda, who he learns got separated from his mother and is figuring he will meet her up at the Salmon run. On the journey, Kenai’s brother, Denahi, is hunting him for revenge, since he thinks that Kenai the bear, who he doesn’t know is Kenai, killed Kenai his brother.

They eventually make it to the Salmon run and there’s a big song about love and family and shit with all the bears frolicking in the water and catching fish and I should be awarded the gay talisman of love, because I started getting all choked up again at all the joy. Goddamn! these Disney movies are insidious, they can turn a grown man into a blubbering pussy! Later, we of course find that Koda’s mom isn’t just separated from him, that she was the bear the Kenai the human killed earlier… Kenai the bear realizes this and is horrified, and it all comes together and he now sees everything from a different point of view, that the bears aren’t the monsters, that human hunters are the monsters, that it’s all relative… and then there’s a big spiritual ending full of love and shit, and everyone learns a lesson, and Kenai’s rite of passage is complete… and there’s more love, joy, singing, and dancing.

So, Brother Bear, an awesome movie, that sadly just came and went in the theaters, but that you really should go and rent… The story was cool, although it seemed to be a bit rushed… it was a big story to cram into a couple hours… half of the movie is from the human point of view and so there was only half of the movie left for Kenai the bear to learn his lesson, so that part felt a little crammed and rushed.

The art and animation was steller, a real beauty to watch, eh. The characters were fun and cool… I could give or take the Phil Collins sappy singing. That was the only groaner.

Brother Bear, highly recommended.

Alina liked it too, although, even though I was getting choked up and starting to get all watery eyed (I hadn’t felt like that since E.T. died.), Alina was a rock… it didn’t affect her at all… She liked the movie and was into it, but apparently isn’t as big a pussy as I am. She just sat there playing with her doll, while I was fighting to hold back the tears.. ugh! Maybe I’m the one who should have been playing with and diapering that doll.


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